The tactical jack-off. Democrats attempt to legislatively procreate by public political masturbation. What an old Marine veteran of Okinawa told me.

(NOTE: Hide the children. We're going to be talking Onanism of various kinds here.)

"Masturbation is to sex as philosophy is to reality." -- Attributed to Karl Marx.

From the LA Times: Amid Fast and Furious probe, Democrats push new gun control bill.

The debate surrounding gun control laws has reignited following the Fast and Furious investigation, and the latest volley was launched Friday.

Two House Democrats introduced a bill that would make the trafficking of firearms to known felons or someone intending to commit a felony a federal offense. The bill, put forth by Reps. Elijah Cummings (D-Md.) and Carolyn Maloney (D-N.Y.), was drafted in response to testimony from law enforcement agents, who have said current law leaves gaps in enforcement against straw purchasers who often supply drug cartels with weapons. . .

Cummings denied that the legislation was an attempt to detract from the ongoing investigation.

"I want to make it clear we are very troubled by Fast and Furious. It is our belief that we are going to have to look at this case very carefully and we must go where the evidence leads," said Cummings, who is the ranking member on the committee investigating the matter. "But conducting oversight is pointless unless we translate what we learn into action."

Uh, huh. Let me share an anecdote from the 90s. It has the advantage of being true.

(Phone rings after midnight. I pick it up.)

Heavy breather: "I'm gonna kill you."

MBV: (Laughs.) "Riiiight."

Heavy breather: "I'm gonna KILL you."

MBV: "Look pal, you don't know the difference between real sex and masturbation. If you were gonna kill me, you'd just do it. You wouldn't be beating your gums and beating your meat calling me up to tell me about it."

Heavy breather: (Silence.)

MBV: "Besides, what kind of moron calls up and makes a death threat on a phone line that's under federal court-ordered wire tap?!?"

Heavy breather: (Click.)

"Cummings denied that the legislation was an attempt to detract from the ongoing investigation."

Uh, huh.

For those of you who take this demonstration of futile public political masturbation seriously, John Richardson has the text of this spurt to nowhere here and the accompanying memo here.

Now Old Bloody Hands Cummings and his gun confiscationist harridans and harpies who co-sponsored this have to know that it is a non-starter, a complete waste of motion. It is masturbation rather than sex -- it certainly won't accomplish legislative procreation nor is it an expression of love, except in the Woody Allen sense.


"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love." -- Woody Allen, in Annie Hall.

As these people, savvy politicians all, know, there really is no point to this exercise. None, save one. I can best illustrate it by telling you a story that an old Marine veteran of Okinawa once told me. It is the Tale of the Tactical Jack-off. It supposedly happened a few days into the battle for "Sugar Loaf Hill." I say "supposedly" because I have no way of knowing the truth of the story. I never heard repeated by anyone else and it sure isn't written down anywhere that I know of. The old Marine is gone now, but I have to say that he told a unbelievable tale convincingly. He convinced me anyway.

Okinawa was a meat-grinder and nowhere worse than Sugar Loaf Hill. There was a point, the old Marine told me, when a couple of guys were hit advancing up the slope, one of them a popular sergeant. Both were wounded badly. The Japs, who had perfect line of sight on them, left them alive to sucker guys into the killing zone. It worked. Four men tried, four men died. The Nambus and Arisakas got them all. The CO ordered that no else try. One Marine, a tall lanky blond-headed kid (the old Marine thought he was from Minnesota) volunteered to distract the Japanese while others would effect the rescue. "How're you going to do that?" he was asked. "Leave that to me," he replied. "Just be ready when I get their attention."

The young Marine worked his way back down, crossed under cover and concealment and finally managed to get about a hundred yards or so down to the right, where a little hillock lay which could be seen by just about the entire Japanese position above.

The young Marine then stripped off all his clothes, revealing a large erection. Leaping up on the hillock where he could be seen by everyone, American and Japanese alike, he began what the old Marine called, laughingly, in wonder, "the only tactical jack-off I ever seen."

The hill fell silent as the young Marine demonstrated for the multi-national crowd. Several Marines jumped up and ran to get the two men. One had died, but the sergeant was still alive. All made it back to cover without a shot being fired.

Having accomplished his missions, the young Marine jumped back down behind the hillock, pulled on his dungarees, and returned to his squad. The battle quickly resumed.

As I recall, I expressed a good deal of skepticism about the story. This was long before I had ever heard from Iraq war veterans of the "Combat Jack." (Described in some detail in Generation Kill by Evan Thomas. Some guys, it seems, get a hard-on in the middle of a firefight.) In any case, the old Marine insisted it was true.

And that, poorly told, is the "Tale of the Tactical Jack-off of Okinawa."

The Democrats are attempting something similar here, trying to distract from the Gunwalker Scandal by engaging in otherwise futile public political masturbation. They obviously haven't heard Bill Cosby's warning on the subject.