When "Morbid Jokes Go Bad": A Hypothetical 3% Solution.

News Item: CBS Sports golf analyst David Feherty apologized Sunday to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid for a morbid joke that went bad in a Dallas magazine. -- FOX News

OK, here's the set-up: Osama bin Laden, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and an armed United States soldier (with only two rounds in the magazine) are all in the same elevator. When the door closes, who, if anyone, does the soldier kill, how, and in what order?

Think it is a joke? Well, sort of, although not if you believe the liberal Media Matters. Here's the orginal text from a speculation by CBS sports commentator David Feherty over George W. Bush's post-presidential move to Dallas in D Magazine:

From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there’s a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death.

So says Feherty, who idolizes George W. Bush (which I definitely don't). Bush does however have better street cred with the troops than the folks who declared defeat in Iraq (a la Teddy Kennedy at the time of Hamburger Hill -- which is why the 101st ABN hates him to this day). Media Matters cries: "Disgusting!" here.

May 8, 2009

CBS announcer: Any U.S. soldier would shoot Pelosi, strangle Reid
by Michael O'Brien

CBS Sports commentator David Feherty drew criticism Friday for suggesting any U.S. soldier would murder House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) if given the chance.

"From my own experience visiting the troops in the Middle East, I can tell you this, though: despite how the conflict has been portrayed by our glorious media, if you gave any U.S. soldier a gun with two bullets in it, and he found himself in an elevator with Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Osama bin Laden, there's a good chance that Nancy Pelosi would get shot twice, and Harry Reid and bin Laden would be strangled to death," Feherty wrote in an a D Magazine piece welcoming former President George W. Bush back to Dallas.

Feherty, a former professional golfer who now helps call golf events for CBS, said that troops love former President Bush by contrast, and praised the former commander-in-chief for having prevented additional terrorist attacks during his time in office.

Liberal media watchdog Media Matters for America demanded an apology for the remarks Friday.

"Mr. Feherty's violent comments about Speaker Pelosi and Majority Leader Reid are disgusting," said Media Matters President Eric Burns. "Suggesting that our troops would attack the leaders of the very democracy they've sworn to sacrifice their lives for is an insult to their integrity, honor, and professionalism. CBS Sports should demand its golf analyst apologize to our soldiers."

Now the comments on this site, which I merely skimmed a few to get the sense of, range from priceless to maddening for a Three Percenter. Here's a couple I chose at random, one from the collectivist side:

Ha ha ha. You lying assassins lost the last two elections.Your answer to just about everything is to shoot it as we see in the news now a couple of times a week you get upset and shoot your wives and babies and then your sorry selves. Get it through your head the clear majority of voters in this country don't care about your religion your fetuses or your tragic and constant girlish fearfulness. I lived through 9/11 and it was under Bush that there wasn't an armed plane in the sky on that day. He spent most of that summer pretending to cut brush and thinking about stem cells instead of looking at the known threats to our country. Blah blah, mustard, communist, birth certificate, what military think, shooting someone. Your party is over and when you have your civil war the military will shoot you down like dogs that's their job and they like it.

One from the liberty side:

I'm sorry; but, none of you have quite hit the nail on the head, not even Mr. Feherty. I would posit that the random soldier would, if protected from reprisal, would 1] strangle Mr. bin Laden, then 2] strangle either Reid or Polosi, whichever was closer, then 3] finish the last of those three threats to freedom.

But that leaves the soldier with two bullets? Yes, of course it does. The soldier would save ammo for when Janet Napolitano comes for our guns.

James Madison could explain why, but he died long ago and I'm done talking because you people have no clue regarding the fragility of freedoms to start with. Fools and their freedoms are soon parted.

Well, I'd like to play this hypothetical video game, from a Threeper perspective. Let us assume the following:

a. The soldier is armed with a standard issue M4 with green tips in the mag.

b. There is no camera in the elevator.

c. In addition to the war the islamofascists are waging on us, two politicians in the elevator who bear a striking resemblance to Reid and Pelosi, but in fact are NOT Reid and Pelosi have recently voted for a gun confiscation bill. Our own civil war is, or is about to be, breaking wide open.

Therefore, when the door to the elevator opens at the ground floor:

Osama lies dead from a broken neck, the soldier lies wounded from a gunshot and the two electronic politician facsimiles lie dead, each with a single gunshot wound to the head.

The story the soldier tells is: "Osama jumped me and in the struggle for the weapon the two politicians were shot and killed by the same round. I was then shot in the shoulder. With the weapon empty, I turned on him and in close combat, broke his neck despite my wound. I'm sorry I didn't protect the Senator and the Congresswoman. I stand ready to be tried for dereliction of duty."

What actually happened was: The soldier urges the electronic politician facsimiles to get behind him, one behind the other, because of the danger Osama poses. Once they comply, the soldier grabs Osama by the shirt front while spinning him about and brings the weapon's receiver high up into Osama's armpit. The weapon is now pointed at the two politician's heads because they are short and Osama is tall. Osama, sensing an opportunity brings his hands up to the M-4. He is too late. A single green tip, angles into the male's throat, through his medulla oblongata, exits his skull, taking the female through the eye and blows out the back of her skull. The soldier then safes the weapon and kills the astonished Osama by breaking his neck. Finally, angling carefully, he shoots himself in the shoulder.

Permutation: he is unable to secure the angle to get them both with one shot so he uses both on the politicians and claims they both happened in the struggle for the weapon. Powder residue is all over both him and Osama.

Another permutation: There IS a camera in the elevator. The soldier shoots Osama, then the Senator facsimile, then breaks the Congresswoman facsimile's neck. He surrenders himself to authorities when the door opens.

"BZZZZT. BEEP. CLICK. Game over. Please deposit one Federal Reserve Note for another five minutes."

The funny thing about oaths. Unless they are blood oaths to the Fuehrer like this one, which by the way we still haven't gotten around to in this country --



-- Then when you think that soldiers are like cartoon puppets and "the military will shoot you down like dogs, that's their job and they like it," you just may get a terminal surprise if they remember that it was the Founders' Constitution they pledged to and not some dictatorial collectivist gangster flavor of the month.