SMUCKWAP NEWSSERVICE, Washington, D.C. --- Yesterday the Supreme Court ruled that the privileges of attorneys are more important than anything else in the entire universe. "Attorneys," noted Justice Ruin D. Client, "must, by the very nature of their important work of creating trouble out of nothing, be privileged to do pretty much anything they want, including taking a great deal of their clients' money, using the concept of 'billable hours' to facilitate same, running off at the mouth when they feel like it, and not saying a word if it benefits them."

"Attorney privilege," he added, "is what makes the world go round."

The 6 to 3 ruling concerning Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr ( lawyer) and his attempt to get the notes of James Hamilton (lawyer) of his discussions with Vincent Foster, the late White House counsel (lawyer) about Hillary Clinton's (lawyer) involvement with the firing of the White House travel office employees (non-lawyers).

Chief Justice William H. Runatthemouth, (lawyer) writing for the majority, agreed that lawyers should be able to do whatever they want, especially at the cost of non-lawyers. "It is important that we lawyers stick together in order to protect our special status in the world. Without these important privileges, we'd have a much harder time making a lot of money out of nothing but trouble. Like that $4,000 an hour the tobacco guys will get. I'm impressed!"

Justices Sandra D. Commode, Tip. D. Scales, and Clarence John Thomas dissented, writing that "we're going to look pretty bad, trying to shove this privilege business down the throats of the non-lawyer populace. We shouldn't be pressing the issue so much, considering that everyone involved in this mess is a lawyer. We're going to have to figure a way to exonerate ourselves, considering that most of the entire non-lawyer population of America already hates our profession's guts."

Vincent Foster (lawyer), who somehow ended up dead, even though he was a highly placed official in the Clinton administration (lawyers), had felt he had to hire James Hamilton (lawyer) when the travel office firings turned into Travelgate, another of the myriad scandals surrounding the increasingly bizarre Clinton White House. Hamilton had promised total confidentially, even if there were crimes to cover up, since that is, after all, what lawyers do. "We're all just a bunch of liars," said Hamilton. "Most everyone in Washington DC is a lawyer. And with this historic landmark decision by the Supreme Court, watch out!"

© Patricia Neill 1998

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