Contemporary commentary (ca. Fall 1997) from Todd Gillespie. This originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

Vice President Al Gore is innocent of all charges in connection with illegal Democratic fund raising because he is "too stupid to have done anything wrong," Attorney General Janet Reno said Monday.

Gore sat on Reno's knee in a press conference Monday, with the Attorney General appearing to operate his mouth with a string that extended from the back of his neck.

As Secret Service agents struggled to keep a woodpecker from perching on the Vice President's shoulder and pecking at his head, Gore and Reno fielded reporters' questions about mounting charges of illegal fund-raising from the Vice President's office.

Gore has maintained that he thought a March, 1996 trip to a Buddhist temple in Los Angeles was a "community outreach" program rather than a fundraiser, which would have been illegal. Federal law prohibits soliciting campaign contributions at houses of worship.

It was later revealed that the so-called community outreach netted more than $100,000 in campaign contributions. Gore said he had no idea the trip was intended to raise cash.

"John Huang told me we went to the temple to learn about Chinese culture," he said. "I always wanted to know how to eat with sticks."

"You see what I mean?" Reno said. "I mean, this guy is a world-class idiot."

Amid growing charges of fund-raising irregularities, Gore has steadfastly maintained his ignorance of any wrongdoing. Gore has said he was not aware that he was making campaign-fund solicitations in more than 100 telephone calls to Democratic donors during the 1996 campaign.

Gore also has said he was unaware that the money he raised went to so-called "hard money" accounts, which are used to finance the election campaigns of individual candidates.

Gore's wife, Tipper, has urged him to insist that there is "no controlling legal authority" that would have prohibited his fund-raising. "Tipper is a silly name, isn't it?" Gore told a reporter.

Revelations of Gore's incredible stupidity did not seem to hurt his populist appeal. "I sure hope he gets to be President someday," Bakersfield housewife Marge LaFarge said Monday. "He's just like the rest of us."

The Attorney General indicated that the stupidity defense was only one strategy being tested by the Clinton administration as new scandals erupt on an almost daily basis. "Wait till we defend my appointment by pointing out that I'm too freaking ugly to have slept my way into this job," Reno said.

© Todd Gillespie.
Permission to reprint freely granted, provided the article is reprinted in full and that any reprint is accompanied by this copyright statement.

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20 November, 1997