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This faux news article originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list, and later in the Idaho Observer. Surprisingly, and despite the fact that it was clearly labeled as satire, a number of people took it seriously. While it's true that some folks just don't "get" satire, in this case there may have been a more tragic explanation for the readers' mistaken impressions.

As one reader explained to an Idaho Observer staff member, "Well, if they haven't done something like that yet, they probably will soon. It's just the kind of thing they do."


By Lucy Mosby-Fox

Congresswoman Linda "Bull" Smith (R-Washington) today introduced what she called "moderate, compromise" legislation to curb the growing national problem of kitchen knife violence.

"This legislation protects the constitutional rights of all legitimate knife owners, while at the same time assuring that victims of domestic knife violence will not have to live in fear."

Smith's proposed legislation would:

The bill, HR 666666, is also known as "Nicole, Jolene and Lorena's Law."

"Most domestic violence is committed with something other than guns," Smith noted, "Nicole Brown Simpson wasn't killed with a gun. John Bobbitt wasn't bobbitted with a gun. And my predecessor in Congress, Jolene Unsoeld, once reportedly got so angry with her husband that she threw a steak knife at him. Domestic knife violence is a two-edged...well, is a major problem, which this bill goes a long way toward addressing."

Smith says she introduced her bill in order to bring "moderation" to an issue so-far dominated by "liberal extremists." She was apparently referring to a competing bill introduced by Reps. Major Ohshit and Charles Tumor (both D-NY) that would ban all knives, letter openers, nail files and hat pins, except those in the possession of the police, military, retired police, security guards, and bodyguards of influential legislators.

"When I was elected in '94, it was on the promise to get government off people's backs," Smith declared in her patented, take-no-prisoners style. "This is my latest effort to show the voters exactly how sincere I was then and now. We must not let the liberals set the knife-control agenda in this country. We Republicans must show our leadership by seizing the initiative and aggressively setting the knife-control agenda ourselves."

Organizations lobbying Congress on the knife violence issue were divided on the Smith proposal.

A spokesperson for the National Kitchen Knife Association warned, "Once we allow controls on the sale of kitchen knives, it's only a matter of time before the knife-banners will reach into the pockets and pocketbooks of every American to remove their treasured Boy Scout knives. In the name of liberty, we must not allow this. Instead of a five-day waiting period, the National Kitchen Knife Association supports an instant check system on purchasers of all edged implements and a system of permits that would allow any American to exercise his inalienable right to kitchen knife possession after merely giving his fingerprints, photo, retinal scan, voice scan, and mental health history, taking a 200-hour training course, and paying a $250 permitting fee."

Smith denied that her eventual aim was to ban all knives. However, the sophomore congresswoman, who won office as a Second Amendment purist, previously voted for the Lautenberg Amendment to remove guns from the hands of anyone who may ever have committed a violent misdemeanor, even if the act took place 20 or 30 years in the past. She has resisted repeated pleas by constituents to co-sponsor a repeal of that law. Smith is also on record as an ardent supporter of school-zone gun bans and increased funding for the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

Asked why guns should remain restricted when other instruments, including fists, pose a far greater danger to victims of domestic violence, Smith responded, "Uh....well...uh..."

She denies, however, that her recent anti-weapon votes and sponsorships indicate any change from her once-staunch Second Amendment position. She declares, "I completely support the Constitution...within reasonable limits, as long as individual rights are never allowed to interfere with the smooth, efficient functioning of the federal government."

Sarah Whiner, a spokesperson for Kitchen Knife Control, Inc. announced that her organization will immediately begin a public awareness campaign to educate people about the dangers of kitchen knife violence. "We must change the knife-culture in this country," she declared. "People begin using knives as children, and soon they're doing disgusting things like carving steaks. It's just a small step from there to picking up a kitchen knife and using it against one's spouse or sibling, or even complete strangers on the street, including innocent children. The excuse that knives have so-called legitimate domestic uses is not enough. We must...and we will...end the scourge of kitchen knife violence in our time."

Whiner called the Smith bill, "A good beginning."

Satire by Lucy Mosby-Fox using ideas shamelessly stolen from former supporters of Congresswoman "Bull" Smith.

The information about Congresswoman Smith's anti-gun votes is fact, not fiction. Where does YOUR supposedly "pro-gun" congressperson stand on repeal of the anti-gun Lautenberg Amendment?
Helen Chenoweth (R-Idaho) has introduced a bill (HR 1009) to completely repeal the unconstitutional and outrageous Lautenberg law. If your congresscritter supports any substitute bill or refuses to support the Chenoweth bill, he or she is supporting the agenda of the gun-banners.

© Lucy Mosby-Fox 1997.
Distribute at will.

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20 November, 1997