Dear Members of Congress,

I've got an idea I want to present to you. Now, outside the beltway we are well aware that you all are absolutely terrified of performing your Consitutional duty of impeachment. You're all scared to death--or at least a huge majority of you are. And we the American public also know why. We know that the Clintons purloined 900 or so files from their tame puppets over at the FBI and we know that probably all of you--Democrats and Republicans alike--were most likely the subject of those files, along with your families, aides, friends, etc. OK? We know this. What? You Democrats think that Clinton wouldn't turn on one in his own party. Are you naive? He'd do it in a New York minute if it meant saving his own neck.

So we understand your fear of this ruthless President and his ruthless wife. We've been watching them in action now for 6 years or so, and we're rather amazed by the piles of bodies surrounding this President's rise to power and during his reign in office. We do not think that Vince Foster killed himself. Sorry--but we just didn't buy that one. Any rookie cop, any reader of mystery novels, any child over 10 has enough brains to realize that Foster didn't kill himself any more than Jack Kennedy did. And we're conscious of the many mysteries of Ron Brown's plane crash. This President and his Attorney General sent tanks against men, women and children, killing them all. We are aware that there is more than enough reason for ice to be flowing through your veins when you regard your solemn oath to impeach this President for high crimes and misdeamenors.

We also are cognizant that this President will use any Executive branch agency to intimidate you into silence and non-action. We've watched as any person who spoke out against this President has been audited by the IRS. Representative Barr is one. Paula Jones is another. Or they might have been "investigated" by the FBI for some reason or another. Or been hit with a lawsuit by the "Justice" department. We're aware of this constant Sword of Damocles over your heads.

We're aware as well that all of you have been on the take, too. The S&L fiasco? How many of you made some big bucks from that? No doubt quite a few of you did, or you would have stopped it in its tracks. What about this phony War on Drugs? How many of you are invested in that bitter, hypocritical machinery? How about all the money you get under the table from lobbies? And we're not talking merely the above-board money--we already know you all have Swiss bank accounts or secret accounts in the Cayman Islands. OK? I know you people think we're dumb, and that we believe the silly media, but frankly, the gig is up.

We also figure that Clinton wasn't the only one getting some slap and tickle during office hours. We have no doubts that many, many of you have also been fellated by girls half your age, or boys, for the ladies among you, or the gents for that matter. We have no confidence whatsoever that you might be morally upright. Well, maybe a few of you. The random one or two. But out here in the hinterlands, we're all pretty sure about the late night cocaine parties, or the casual snort before an important vote in the Cloakroom. Drugs, sex, bribery--yes, yes, yes. We know--if we don't currently have the facts, it is only because the serious investigating has yet to occur. But we have no doubt we would learn a lot of unsavory, illicit, illegal, immoral acts that you've all been performing for years.

We know.

We are aware that you are probably just holding your collective breath and hoping all the scandals will just go away. You're waiting, hoping that somehow we'll all just get through the next two years, and this mafia White House will voluntarily leave power behind. But think, ladies and gentlemen, how likely is that? The Clintons are in their prime, agressive, amoral and immoral, and they *love* power--obviously, since they will do anything--and I mean anything up to and including lying, stealing, murdering--to keep it. I am nowhere near the beltway, and I can see that all the way out here.

How much better you should be able to see it up close and personal. Whether the Clintons would attempt such a coup d'etat is unknown, but we *know* enough about this couple to not put it past them.

We know.

We know that if you start impeachment proceedings that the Clintons will bring out all the dirt they gathered from the 900 FBI files that they had in their possession for three years or so. You know it too. After all, Clinton buddy Stephanoupolos has come right out and said, on TV, no less. We know that we will learn all about your drug-taking and drug-dealing. We know we will learn all about your stealing, the secret million-dollar illicit bank accounts, the bribes, the sex during and after hours. We'll learn where all your enemies' bodies are buried. We're quite aware of this.

We know.

So here's the deal.

Impeach this mafiaso president. Get rid of him. Shame him in public, the way he so richly deserves. Bring him to justice for his many crimes--and I'm not talking some wimpy thing like obstruction of justice. Go for the throat. Yes, we know that polls say we think Clinton is the best thing since white bread, but understand this: we don't believe the polls either. We know they're rigged to get whatever answer is desired. And we know fully well how it is done. Have any of you personally checked with your consitutents about impeachment? Are you aware that believing your own propaganda is stupid? Impeach him. Give us back our pride in our form of government, and get rid of this potential tyrant. Have you noticed how he simply bypasses Congress with his Executive orders? Pardon me for instructing you, but one of the checks that Congress has on a reckless, power-grabbing executive is impeachment.

Impeach Clinton. And his wife. She's acted as co-President. Impeach her as one.

In return, we'll take your actions into advisement when he drags out all the dirt on you. I can absolutely promise you we won't be shocked. Angry and bothered, maybe, but not shocked. We may not forgive you for all of your misdeeds, your mis, mal and nonfeasance of office, for your thieving, conniving,lying, corrupt ways, but we WILL remember you as the Congress with the stones to impeach a national embarassment known as the First Couple.

What do you say? Deal?

Sincerely,
Patricia Neill

(c)Patricia Neill 1998