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I wrote this from an idea by my acquaintance, Todd Howe. The day after it appeared on the SacredBull political satire list, I received notes from two retired Cold War-era U.S. military officers. One damned the piece as an insult to all servicemen of the Cold War years. Another thanked me for expressing everything he'd been trying to say for years. That's how satire works, I guess...


A Plea from the SacredBull Society for Social Justice

It was America's longest war, and most expensive. It was also the greatest victory America ever won. Our heroic efforts not only vanquished the foe, but discredited his oppressive political system everywhere around the globe.

We're speaking of the Cold War. Yes, that terrible, but ultimately glorious, war against Global Communism.

Yet shockingly, in Washington, DC, that city of memorials, there is no shrine to mark this, our greatest of all victories. There is no statue, no wall, no column, no obelisk, no fountain...not even a small brass plaque to mark the most thorough defeat of evil in the history of our nation.

Ladies and gentlemen, we urge you to help the SacredBull Society for Social Justice remedy that shameful lack. This nation *needs* a memorial to Our Great Victory Over Tyranny. And we are asking you to write to your congressperson today to see that we get one.

Congress has only to authorize funds to build the memorial. The SacredBull Society for Social Justice (SSSJ) has already, at its own expense, hired an architect and designed the monument. With your help, Mr., Mrs. and Ms. America, we can dedicate this Great Work by April 15, 2000!

Here's our exciting vision:

The monument will consist of a colossal, granite hand, 150 feet high, with one finger raised to the heavens. Upon its wrist will be inscribed these simple words:

We Celebrate the Triumph of Freedom Over Tyranny

This is the evil America defeated in the Cold War, 1945 to 1989

The Ten Planks of the Communist Manifesto
  1. Abolition of property in land and the application of all rents of land to public purposes.
  2. A heavy progressive or graduated income tax.
  3. Abolition of all rights of inheritance.
  4. Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels.
  5. Centralization of credit in the hands of the state, by means of a national bank with State capital and an exclusive monopoly.
  6. Centralization of the means of communications and transportation in the hands of the State.
  7. Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the state, the bringing into cultivation of waste lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan.
  8. Equal liability of all to labor. Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture.
  9. Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries, gradual abolition of the distinction between town and country, by a more equitable distribution of population over the country.
  10. Free education for all children in public schools. Combination of education with industrial production.

Freedom Forever
Isn't that inspiring, ladies and gentlemen -- to see in bold letters the evil our goodness and love of freedom enabled us to defeat? But that's not all. SSSJ has already begun planning a gala dedication ceremony. It will one of the most impressive events Washington has ever seen.

Picture it, my friends! On that sunny April day in 2000, an army of children from America's inner-city public schools will march down the Mall, carrying their hand-lettered banners. Behind them will march thousands of America's finest.

The federal government will be represented by agents of the IRS, FBI, DEA, ATF, the Federal Communications Commission, Federal Trade Commission, Department of Transportation, EPA, HUD, FEMA, OSHA, the FHA, Department of Agriculture, Department of Education, Labor Department, the Bureau of Land Management and many other fine organizations that help maintain the American Way of Life.

Private enterprise will be represented by the presidents of America's major corporations. Those whose companies receive the largest federal benefits will march hand-in-hand with those whose companies have made the largest contributions to the reigning party.

The fine, salt-of-the-earth people of America's towns will be represented by members of their local zoning and planning authorities, as well as their beloved property tax assessors.

Agriculture will be represented by an army of farmers driving tractors. (They will be paid not to grow crops that spring, in order that they may attend the festivities. Those who have lost their family farms to inheritance taxes will be allowed into the parade by special permit.)

The chairman of the Federal Reserve Board will cut a giant red ribbon leading into the monument area, where the President of the United States will give a stirring speech about the virtues of freedom.

Though large, the ceremony's cost will be held to a minimum. Paid volunteers from Americorps will join U.S. Army troops in providing event security. Post-celebration site cleanup will be provided by public high school students performing the compulsory volunteer duties required by their schools. We are also urging Congress to make funds available from the billions of dollars in assets seized each year in civil forfeiture actions to help pay for this celebration of freedom and justice.

It's a truly exciting vision, ladies and gentlemen. And this stunning monument to freedom can be built for a mere $500,000,000 dollars. That's nothing! Just a fraction of what goes each year into farm subsidies, public education or support to corporate America.

So help give this country a monument to celebrate its greatest achievement -- a monument you, and millions of future Americans, can be proud of - a monument to which you can point and tell your grandchildren, "This, my dear little child, is what your government did to you."

©1997 Claire Wolfe and Todd Howe. This article may be reprinted for non-commercial purposes, as long as it is reprinted in full with no content changes whatsoever, and is accompanied by this credit line. The article may not be re-titled, edited or excerpted (beyond the limits of the fair use doctrine) without the written permission of the authors. For-profit publications will be expected to pay a nominal reprint fee.

This piece originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

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20 November, 1997