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This one hit the SacredBull political satire list credited to Cruella Fernandez. I know who really wrote it, but I ain't sayin'...

The SacredBull EMPLOY-A-FED Plan

We are not mean spirited. We are not.

The media always say that about people who want to get rid of excess government. They accuse us of being unconcerned about the fate of those who rely on tax-funded jobs and handouts. But believe me, it simply isn't true; we have a unique and sincere interest in seeing that people who live off our tax money are thoroughly taken care of.

To demonstrate our concern, I'd like to offer 25 suggestions on how we could employ just one class of tax dependents after we've achieved a free society. Best of all, we don't have to wait for a government program or an act of Congress to set this helpful new plan in motion. For the most part, these are ways that we, our very own selves, could keep this class of dependents gainfully occupied in a free society. (Even before we achieve a free society, if you're really eager to help right now!)

So, in the name of public spiritedness, here are 25 ways you, personally, and your friends, could employ the many fine and useful FEDERAL INFORMANTS who live and work in your neighborhood:

  1. Training aid for attack dogs
  2. Chimney cleaning tool
  3. Crash test dummy
  4. Torque wrench for head bolts (self adjusting jaws are a handy feature)
  5. Emergency life raft (tie several together with strong rope)
  6. Cord wood
  7. Speed bump
  8. Propeller inspector on moving ships
  9. Poison gas detector in mine shafts and wells
  10. Hood ornament
  11. Toilet plunger
  12. Main course at a Hawaiian barbecue (place apple in mouth for extra festive touch)
  13. Substitute for log in Scottish caber-tossing event
  14. Ideal date for Janet Reno
  15. Companion for an anger-management course dropout
  16. Snake handler for a backwoods church
  17. Toxic waste site cleaner
  18. Cattle guard
  19. Catamite for large, horny individual named Spike
  20. Wild mushroom tester
  21. Post hole digger
  22. Drug test subject in cancer lab (Help save the cute, furry animals as you help humanity!)
  23. Target
  24. Bait
  25. Anchor

I'm sure if we all pitched in, we could find similarly useful occupations for many other types of federal dependents, particularly those directly employed by the hundreds of federal enforcement agencies that do such a fine job of keeping America safe and free.

So have fun! Use your imagination! And do all you can to help your fellow man.

This piece originally appeared on the SacredBull political satire list.

Wolf Tracks

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20 November, 1997