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05/15/2004 Archived Entry: "And the winnah is ...."

AND THE WINNAH IS ....

On April Fools Day I announced a competition: A copy of my new book to the person who gives the best answer to the question "What is the greatest service that the IRS provides me?" Entries would be judged on "wit, irony, charm, and other factors as well as on any actual truthfulness that your answer might contain."

The entries (found in a special thread at The Claire Files forums) were darned good. I enjoyed crusty Jack Boone pointing out that how the IRS "services" us in the old-fashioned sense. Groaned at MidwestAnnie's tale of how the IRS punished her daughter for scholarly achievement. Agreed with the many variations on the theme of "the IRS helps create rebels and Outlaws." Laughed at some entries and shook my head over others. I even had to agree with Moorlock's comment that one genuine service the IRS performs is to put laws, regulations, and forms online.

But the winnah is ....

No, wait a minute ... the winnahs ARE ... because I absolutely could not decide between the two ... and because wit, irony, charm, and mysteriously subjective "other factors" (not including bribes or flattery) influenced the judging ... THE WINNAHS ARE ...

Augustwest for this answer

I reckon the IRS has saved my life many times over.

If they hadn't been keeping my income at a reasonable level all these years:

-I'da owned alot more guns, and proabably accidentally fatally shot myself to death.
-I'da prolly bought too many drugs (back when I did such things) and OD'ed to death.
-I'da been able to afford a really big dangerous motorcycle, instead of the wimpy 550 I usta ride, and crashed it to death.
-And oh, those women of ill repute...I'da doubtless $#%$ed myself to death.

Something else they'da done for me had I been paying attention -

Each year their instructions admonish me about about writing, "US Treasury" on my checks when I pay them tribute.

This is because unscrupulous wimmen who have no right to my money, even though our friends in Washington somehow do, might change "IRS" to "MRS ...." and cash those checks.

Woe is me. Had I been a little more aware, I'da had an idea of just how dangerous Missuses can be.

And Plinker-MS for this one

The IRS provides me with the most valuable service of any government agency, period.

It is one of the most coveted of all government services, and well worth the cost and the hassle involved. Indeed, the IRS rate for this service is a bargain compared to European governments who expect their subjects to pay more and receive far less of this valuable, life-giving service.

The IRS even outstrips the "Constitutional" government agencies. The service it provides is much more personal, and far more necessary to an individual's daily life than the protection from foreign invasion provided by the Army and the Navy.

What is it?

Well, for a nominal fee, the IRS will leave you alone for a while. Sometimes (depending on your circumstances) for a whole month, a quarter, or even an entire year!

Unlike the generic nationwide protection from invasion provided by the Department of Defense, the IRS can drastically reduce the probability of your home being invaded by armed thugs -- if you pay "your fair share" of course...

Nice {business, home, life} you got there, it'd be a shame if something was to happen to it...

AN AUTOGRAPHED BOOK TO EACH OF THESE GUYS And thanks to everybody for the laughs, the eye-rolls, and the bitter but beautifully expressed truths of the matter.

Posted by Claire @ 08:35 PM CST
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