By Claire Wolfe
© 1999 Claire Wolfe

Little Citizen 577-00-666X came into the world today.

Properly numbered, per international dictate, she joined billions of other precious humano-numeric global resources.

From this day, government data managers and selfless researchers will watch over every aspect of her welfare -- vaccinations, aptitudes, nutrition, scholastic achievements, emotional adjustment, vocational profiling and of course her all-important family risk factors. Her life's progress will be monitored (and altered, as necessary) by number -- a number she will be carefully taught to cherish.

As she matures, young Ms. 666X's fertility, economic status, purchases, residence, employment, habits and health will be carefully recorded by the numbers. Her number will be the access code that lets her attend college, marry, get a professional license, drive, travel abroad, work, buy a home, bank or invest.

And when she dies, her death certificate will sum up her life as Citizen 577-00-666X.

With careful resource management, the day of her termination will be many years in the future. Today, as her parents submitted her to the hospital staff for numbering, they were surprisingly uneasy about her secure and well-observed future. Were they, they wondered, sacrificing independence and privacy by numbering her at birth? But ... well ... what else could they do?

"We realized we might be giving up some of her freedom," her father said. "But we had to do it because it was the only way we'd be allowed to use her as a tax deduction or claim a child tax credit."

It goes without saying that Little Citizen 577-00-666X wasn't born in my contrary, cussed, hole-in-the-wall town of Hardyville.

Oh, of course, there are numbered people here. But even the numbered types figure numbering is something a person should make an informed choice about. An hour-old baby can hardly say, "Yes, I opt for convenience and a nine-digit tattoo," or "No, I'd rather face the challenge of a numberless life."

Give the baby a break! Let him make his own choices when he's old enough to know the consequences.

"But how?"

Not easy, is the answer. Though no law requires anyone to have a Social Security number, countless laws and a growing number of business policies make it difficult to live without one. The Social Security Administration's Enumeration at Birth program makes it nearly impossible to get out of the hospital without giving an ID number to your newborn child.

But Hardyville happens to have a circuit-riding lawyer. He rolls across Lonelyheart Pass once in a while to help Hardyvillians litigate about water rights, sheep-eating wolves and the locally entrenched habit of driving without a government license.

Call him Lawyer X*. He has some ideas about keeping babies un-numbered.

This column doesn't constitute legal advice. (I'm no lawyer, and frankly, I haven't checked Lawyer X's law-school diploma, which he swears is somewhere in the toolbox of his pickup truck.) Think about and always check everything this important for yourself. But here's what he suggests:

1. Give birth at home.
2. Give birth overseas or in Canada. Apply for registration of the overseas birth of a U.S. Citizen at the American Embassy. When filling out the form for Consular Report of Birth (FS-240), you will find that an SS-5 form -- application for the Number of the Beast -- is conveniently attached underneath so the info is transferred in one stroke. Just separate the forms and only fill out the top. Then use your Consular Report to obtain a passport for the baby. As for SSN and passport applications, I've never known anyone to have trouble with a simple refusal.
3. Give birth in a hospital under an assumed name. (If you call hospitals in advance, tell them you are paying in advance, and negotiate, you will get a cut rate for the delivery.)
4. Call the hospital in advance and ask them what you have to do to assure that an SS-5 form is not filled out as part of the record-keeping process. Explain your opposition to numbering. (Not recommended.)
5. When given the forms for birth certificate application, put them in your purse and leave without filling them out. Often there is just a box for the forms to be deposited. Lack of service and "drive-through deliveries" are sometimes beneficial. If you let your kid get a birth certificate, the baby will almost certainly get an SSN, so it's the birth certificate you have to avoid.
6. If confronted, simply refuse to name the baby. They can't name it for you.
7. Keep the hospital bill as proof of birth. Get your child baptized (even if you're not religious) and keep the baptismal certificate. Get a traditional family bible with a family records section in the middle and fill it out. A nice (though expensive) bible for this purpose is sold here. These are all legal proof of birth. Use them to get a passport for the baby.
8. If you are unfortunately assigned an SSN for your baby, throw the card away without looking at it, white it out on bills or other printed forms copy them without the number and throw the originals away. If the number is never used, it's almost as good as never having one in the first place.

He adds: "I also carry nice cards laser printed on business card stock which read as follows:

The Revelation of Saint John the Divine
Chapter 13, Verses 11 to 18
11. And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. 16. And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: 17. And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. 18. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is six hundred threescore and six. 666.

"When you give it to people they tend to leave you alone because they think you're a nut."

Lawyer X concludes: "Proof of identity is never needed. Proof of authorization is only needed by one's bankers. The rest is government garbage. Hopefully enough people will learn this and we can reduce the nonsense a bit."

But of course, un-numbering your baby does lead to inconveniences -- some very serious. Surely, parents ask, there must be less controversial, non-confrontational ways of staying free?

What about getting a religious exemption?

Some normally decent U.S. House members (Yes, there are a couple.) have sponsored a bill, H.R. 2494, to enable parents who can prove they have a "sincerely held religious belief" to claim tax benefits without numbering their babies.

Let's just say for the sake of argument that this bill passes. And let's say you're a congressionally-approved Christian, not some mere mongrel freedom lover like me. What do you do? Certify your beliefs to the IRS, then pray to God that His religion meets their standards? List your "religious nut" status in a federal database? (Very handy next time they're looking for a church to burn.) Feel safe, smug -- or both -- as you take tax benefits for your unmarked children, while millions submit to numbering?

That's not only not safe -- it's collaboration. It's making deals with tyrants to save your own skin -- or in this case, save money.

"But," I hear voices protesting. "If I don't cooperate, one way or another, I can't use junior as a tax writeoff!"

Well goodness. Maybe at this point you ought to be thinking about telling the federal money grubbers to go to hell, rather than bowing deeper to their commands.

Be that as it may, several parents have asked if I thought the dollar amount of IRS credits and deductions made the loss of freedom "worth it." Well, the sum the fedgov offers for selling out innocents varies from family to family, so I can't do calculations for you. But the traditional fee for this type of transaction is 30 pieces of silver. You'll have to decide for yourself whether it's worth it.