B. Do unto yourself as you would do unto others.

We find this perfectly clear -- especially when compared with, say, the U.S. Code, or even the implementing legislation for the GATT Treaty or the specifics of the Clinton Ugly Gun Ban. But for the benefit of people just moving in from some coast, or who spent too much time in government school, we hand out an explanation sheet like this:

Dear Newcomers to Hardyville:

Welcome. We know you'll find our town a pleasant place to live and raise your family. We are very easygoing around here. You'll quickly discover that we don't ask you to live by many of our own rules; we just expect you live by your own. That's why one of our few laws says, "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others." You might wonder what this means in your own life. Well, that's up to you, but here's a sample:

Those individuals who wish to ban, tax or regulate the personal health or social habits of others will be expected to provide legal certification that they have absolutely no destructive or annoying habits of their own, of any nature. In the tradition of pure democracy, the definition of "destructive or annoying" may be determined by any two or more Hardyvillians, as long as they outnumber the person practicing the habit.

Anyone advocating the notion that all people have "rights" to housing, welfare, food, a job, medical care or anything else that has to be provided by hardworking people will be expected to provide any or all of the above, on demand, personally, to anyone making the claim for it. After all, to do otherwise would be denying that person his or her "rights." Of course, if you believe "society" is supposed to pay for these "rights," you are welcome to recruit all the parts of society who agree with you, pool your pennies, and guarantee any right you want to anybody who wants you to give it to them.

Anyone who advocates asset forfeiture without due process is expected to place an identifying sticker on his or her vehicle so that the Hardyville police will know who they can stop next time they're short on donut money. Our friendly officers will cheerfully supply you with an absolutely free new "I love forfeiture!" sticker for your next vehicle as they tow away your present one.

Anyone who believes guns are evil should be sure to request a response by an unarmed policeman during any 911 emergency. (Hardyvillians, please note: Out of respect for cultural diversity, neighbors are asked not to use firearms to defend the homes and lives of people who have philosophical objections to the possession or use of guns.)

Any Hardyville residents who want government to ban anything on the basis that "nobody needs" such and such, will be expected to submit to quarterly inspections of their possessions by the Ad Hoc (and yet to be established) Hardyville Citizens Committee, Subcommittee to Determine Personal Need. Any items the committee does not deem "needed" (to be determined solely by the committee's standards of the moment) will be surrendered. This includes, but is not limited to: sports cars, collectibles, excess cash, television sets, fancy stereos and other items not required for the basic maintenance of life. It's not really our idea of good government, but if you honestly believe everything people don't need should be confiscated or banned, we're sure we can find people to help you achieve this goal in your personal life.

Supporters of affirmative action are expected personally to surrender their jobs to any member of any government-approved minority who expresses an interest in the position, no matter the qualifications of the person making the demand.

Those advocating bans on any non-coercive recreation practiced by others (e.g. drugs, sex, gambling) will be expected to give up one of their own pleasures for each item or activity of which they wish to deprive other people.

Persons proposing or supporting projects "for the good of others" or "the good of society" will be expected to participate cheerfully in any projects their fellow Hardyvillians propose for their own good.

Anyone endorsing the view that all products of European, male-dominated culture are oppressive to women, people of color and people holding "intuitive," rather than "limited, linear" worldviews are expected to do the following:

1. Refrain from crossing all bridges, which are the product of the most linear, and therefore most limiting of sciences, mathematics and engineering.
2. Do not travel in any conveyance using either wheels or an engine for motivation.
3. Avoid entering any building whose construction is beyond the technological level of a brick hut.
4. Do not use iron or products containing iron, the most oppressive of white male metals.
5. Do not subject yourself to the use of modern medicines or medical technologies.
6. If taken to court, do not attempt to prove your innocence, as the concepts of logic and proof are inherently oppressive.
7. Most important, do not claim the protections of the Bill of Rights, including that of free speech. This document was not only composed by Dead White Males, but that most evil of all DWM classes, that of hypocritical slaveholders, and will naturally be shunned by all right-thinking persons.

Finally, anyone wanting the U.S. government to force American citizens to fight wars at which the defense of the U.S. is not at stake will be expected to volunteer for front-line infantry service. All of Hardyville will hold a party to celebrate your departure.

That's it. A few very simple, commonsense rules which we know you will find consistent with your principles. Welcome to Hardyville. And always remember: ideas have consequences.