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By J.J. Johnson

The U.S. fedgov has announced that it's on special alert for anything those nasty militias might try to pull, come Y2K. Former militia leader J.J. Johnson has this satiric comment from his "American Provda" news service. More "Provda" articles can be found here

By Mike Martin – American Provda Staff Writer

BRISTOL, VA (AP-Provda) Pentagon Officials remain on high alert today after right-wing militias declared their first nuclear test successful. According Bill Warfield, a self-proclaimed “general” of the South Appalachian Militia, extremist groups around the nation can now be “a major player” at the nuclear family. Washington is still reeling from the after effects.

“We didn’t want to test our new weapon in a major American city,” said the bearded militia man. “But they [the gubmint] left us with no choice. They’ve made most of the available test areas federal.” Warfield said the new weapon(s) will be a great way to ring in the new millenium.

While FEMA Officials are still calculating the damage and destruction caused by last weekend’s test in Washington, D.C., the Clinton Administration’s fury over the incident has not subsided. “The President is getting sick and tired of flying around in circles on Air Force One,” said one White House official. “Since he left in a hurry, we never had a chance to get his coke –- I mean, proper medications,” Joe Fatneck reported. Secret Service officials still will not allow the President’s aircraft to land until it is deemed safe.

An aerial view of the destruction shows that will be quite some time.

In Clinton’s radio address, He promised that America will not stand for any militia group using weapons of mass destruction without his approval. “America has now witnessed the real threat from these groups. For that reason, I will be pushing for tighter gun control laws in the Congress.”

But militia General Warfield laughed at the threat of more gun legislation, since no gun was used during their nuclear test. “We have shown these people how easy it is to destroy a city. Now, their shaking in their jackboots, and it’ their own fault.” He did also say that he promised more destructive weapons for the militia arsenal. "This was only a test," Warfield said during an interview.

American Provda has learned how the “Militia Y2K” nuclear test was conducted. According to an unnamed State Department official, a women with blonde hair, wearing a camouflaged tank-top, walked in the main hallway of the state department. She apparently approached the security desk with a military style back pack and a Geiger counter. She stated that she was sent by the “Appalachian Militia” and wanted directions to the White House.

According to NSA officials, the security agent panicked and called the Pentagon when he noticed the Geiger counter showing radioactive contents in the back-pack. He called the FBI, who then called the American Defamation League. The quick evacuation of elected officials in Washington led a mass-exodus, pandemonium, panic, rioting, looting, burning, and a stampede from Embassy Row. The death count stands at 73 with over 1000 injured, 400 missing, over 7500 building damaged or destroyed, and the national government in chaos.

The DC Fire Department says they are making progress on the fires throughout the Capital that are about 60 percent under control.

Although the contents of the back pack were later learned to be just two smoke detectors, FEMA officials still defend their mis-guided evacuation orders. “We couldn’t be sure”, said James Worthless, FEMA spokesman. “After receiving reports from watch-dog organizations that extremist militia groups posses nuclear chemical and biological weapons, we couldn’t take any chances.”

“This proves our case,” said A. Liar, spokesman for the American Defamation League. “We have said for years that these groups posses this type of firepower. The incident will help us raise money and our credibility that was lost after the recent Waco revelations.”

Justice Department officials said they cannot file charges against any militia member since no one made any threat. Still, Attorney General Janet Reno praised the actions of the federal authorities while walking over broken glass and scattered office equipment in the J. Edgar Hoover building. She will seek an independent counsel to investigate the matter.

“I am very troubled by this event,” said the Attorney General. “But it is obvious we must take steps to secure our federal institutions against psychological weapons such as these. We must take guns out of hands of criminals for the safety of our children.”

When a reporter responded with, “What does this have to do with guns?” he was promptly arrested by federal agents.

Militia experts said that extremists groups may have possession of even more dangerous weaponry. Chem/Bio Watch, a group that monitors the world’s chemical and biological weapon activity, released a chilling report on its web site. A former employee of CNN talk show host Larry King is believed to have obtained a sample of King’s “morning breath," and has sold the specimen to militia group for one case of 7.62 x .39 ammunition. Chem/Bio Watch said a militia group is believed to be attempting to reproduce the lethal compound at their Wyoming-based complex.

“If what we’ve heard from past [Larry King] guests, this stuff makes sarin gas look like perfume,” said a Bob Colton, spokesman for the web site. Jane’ s Defense Weekly listed the chemical (called “King Breath”) as banned by international law. “Anyone [such as militia group] with this stuff in their arsenal can dictate their own domestic and foreign policy,” Colton said.

© 1999 American Provda News Service. All rights reserved.

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September 22, 1999