Jeff Cooper's Commentaries

The Train

On a cold October night a train
Left Grand Central Station
Carrying a load of TNT
To the capital of our nation.

The deadly cargo had been ordered
By Hillary Rodham Clinton.
In order to blow up every file
She had a fingerprint on.

It was an Amtrac train, of course,
Government subsidized...
If you knew the name of the engineer
You just might be surprised.

Yes, Rodney King was at the wheel
An Affirmative Action hire;
If he'd been rejected, the ACLU said,
Consequences would be dire.

As always when he drove, Rodney
Had buddies at his side -
Johnny Walker, Jim Beam and the Brothers Gallo
Had all come along for the ride.

The track was clear, the signals green
The journey was a snap,
So as the train hit eighty-five
Rodney took himself a nap.

Roaring down through Newark
It didn't stop to get acquainted
With three poor lads that it ran down
Who'd been hoping to spray paint it.

Now the news spread far and wide
We've got a runaway train!
Headed straight for Washington
Where the Clintons feel our pain.

A meeting of the cabinet
Was called in desperation -
Slick Willie asked for its advice
To resolve this situation.

Albert Gore put in his two cents,
Droning on for half an hour
About a scheme to stop the train
Using solar power.

Warren Christopher knit his brow
Pondering the situation,
And said "A case like this requires
Careful negotiation."

Robert Reich stood and spoke at length
As only he is able,
But no one heard him, as his head,
Did not quite clear the table.

When Donna Shalala's turn came
She spoke with indignation,
Of the train as an obvious symbol
Of male domination.

Secretary of Defense Perry
Spoke his piece at last
"Our flyboys in their F-16s
Can clean this mess up fast."

A fist slammed hard upon the desk
And Hillary rose from her chair;
The assembled leaders quivered
As she swept them with her glare.

"We're running hard against Bob Dole
She said, "just thought I'd warn you.
If the Air Force takes out Rodney King -
There goes California."

Bill Clinton frowned and bit his lip
To get his thoughts in line,
But he just couldn't get that cute
Peruvian mummy off his mind.

Suddenly a voice rang out,
Raspy, deep and bold,
"I'm not afraid to take a stand -
The rest of you can fold."

Toward Janet Reno no heads turned
Not a single eye turned to,
"If there's no man among you, then
I guess I'll have to do!"

Janet strode out of the room
Leaving none in any doubt,
That she'd been nowhere to be found,
When the estrogen was passed out.

So as that train came speeding
Toward the capital of our land
Like Horatius at the bridge
Janet Reno took her stand.

She planted a size twelve shoe on
Either side of the railroad track.
The train came hurtling straight at her
But she stared boldly back.

Its headlight lit up with its glare
Her lanky six-foot frame,
And its wheels began to grind and screech
As if they were in pain.

Her body looked a lot like that
Of an ill-fed Appaloosa,
While her face was like a Grecian goddess
 - The one they call Medusa.

And when the headlight hit that face
Which could surely stop Big Ben,
Or send a warthog squealing
In terror back to its den -

Sparks they flew, iron screamed,
And there came a thundercrack,
As that train gave up and stopped dead cold
Upon the railroad track.

Poor Rodney King, I'm sad to say,
Did not survive that night,
Having woken just in time to see
Ms. Reno in the light.

Those of us who've likened her
To the Roman Emperor Nero,
Will have to admit that just for once,
The woman was a hero.

A statue was cast in her likeness,
To honor her glorious deed,
And in case another runaway train
Should cause a future need.

By Paul Kirchner