Just when I was thinking that I'd never be free of the plague of mind control, Lyle Zapato has come along with a nifty book to help all of us who have been targeted by it, whether from governments, multinational corporations, advertisers, or paraterrestrials. His book, titled Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie: Practical Mind Control Protection for Paranoids, offers a wealth of information, beginning with why you need an AFDB (oh yes you do). In addition to six highly informative chapters, Zapato includes two appendices, "Know Your Enemy" and "History of Psychotronics and Aluminum". After reading this book, you too can impress your friends with your paranoia, knowledge of psychotronic mind control, and proven ways to thwart it.

Zapato, who undoubtedly ranks high among the paranoid experts in the field, covers all the basics and then some in AFDB. Not to give away too many secrets, but it is true that using foil gum and candy wrappers will not provide sufficient protection. For those on really tight budgets, aluminum that has been thrown away can be cleaned and "repsychoed" for AFDB construction, as long as there are no punctures. Zapato also takes on the shiny vs. dull side debate, definitively answering this most vexing question for AFDB wearers. For mothers-to-be and new parents, his advice on fetal and infant protection offers peace of paranoid mind.

Armed with the knowledge that humans are not the only animals vulnerable to psychotronic mind control, Zapato provides information on how to tell if your beloved pet has fallen victim ("does your dog follow you around?", "does your cat stare intently at empty space?"), and how to protect it. Again, he goes the extra mile, covering typical as well as exotic pets (and I can vouch for his advice for snakes being right on the money -- mine is much happier with its own protection, the Aluminum Serpentine Deflector Tube [ASDT]).

For those not content with external devices, a chapter on AFDB alternatives offers important considerations and ideas on a variety of other solutions to the pervasive psychotronic mind control problem. Use of aluminum sheet and plating is thoroughly discussed, as are cookware options and subcranial aluminization. If these advanced techniques are still not sufficient for you (and I congratulate you on your very high level of paranoia -- as Zapato himself points out, paranoia isn't mental illness, it's proactive policy), Zapato explores the field of active anti-psychotronics.

Perhaps the best part of the book is Appendix A: "Know Your Enemies". Any paranoid worth his or her mind knows about the New World Order and the UN, but Zapato courageously reveals the Belgian Conspiracy and the Liberati for the insidious threats they pose to free thinkers. He also provides a needed reminder (for the less paranoid, at least) about the "most unpredictably dangerous mind control agents" -- lone evil geniuses. Considering the havoc that Wile E. Coyote wrought on a regular basis ought to be enough to cause one to give these enemies well-deserved respect. In addition to other usual suspects, such as paraterrestrial agents and the Talpidytes, Zapato highlights the dangers of psychotronic mind control posed by cetaceans and grasses (beware the coming "global cerealocracy").

Lyle Zapato could be an agent of psychotronic mind control out to hornswaggle all of us, or he could be the foremost expert on AFDB technology alive. Since I know you won't believe me whichever conclusion I state, I encourage you to buy his book, memorize it, and make up your own mind while making your very own aluminum foil deflector beanie. Camouflage optional.