Solving the Do-Gooder Crisis
Inspired
by J.L. and C. C. A huge creative debt is also owed to
Mustapha Gormsby (aka Geoffrey Erikson) the wicked author
of K.T.A.N.
They're
everywhere. While other species have dwindled to the point
of becoming tourist attractions or sinecures for Endangered
Species bureaucrats, this worthless creature has proliferated
like mammalian kudzu, infesting the highways, byways and
my ways of America.
It
is, of course, the Chronicus Do-gooderus. It infests
the cities, towns and villages of the land, performing
no useful function whatsoever, not even occupying a valuable
place in the food chain, where it could serve as nourishment
for some superior animal or insect species. It makes an
utter nuisance of itself everywhere it goes, without even
having the cosmetic virtue of being as cute as a racoon
or as majestic as a rose-consuming doe.
The
most pernicious problem lies precisely in its undistinguished
appearance. Do-gooderus Noxious looks exactly like
its benign cousin Normalus Minditsownbusinessus.
The only difference lies in the behavior patterns of these
two deceptively similar species.
While
Normalus Minditsownbusinessus can be found at home,
at work or at play, tending its own gardens, raising its
own children, plinking with its very own firearms and
surfing the Web sites of its very own choice, its cousin
Do-gooderus is always seen:
- Frantically
determining that everything is 1) immoral, 2) unsafe,
4) unenlightened, 5) not "beautified" enough, 6) insufficiently
centrally planned 7) insufficiently taxed, 8) insufficiently
protected, 9) insufficiently restricted 10) insufficiently
regulated, 11) insufficiently managed, or 12) otherwise
not precisely up to the Do-gooderus'
specifications;
- Proclaiming
that whatever's annoying it at the moment is the MOST
serious crisis that has EVER afflicted the 1) children,
2) environment, 3) women, 4) obscure desert jumping
fleas or 5) Generally Sensitive Human Beings;
- Proving
that at least 300,000,000 Americans are 1) homeless,
1a) overbuilding, 2) killed each year by firearms, 3)
starving, 3a) obese, 4) bulemic, 5) racist, 6) oppressed,
6a) oppressive, 7) anti-government, 8) addicted, 8a)
apathetic, 9) abused, 9a) abusive, 10) practicing habits
of which the Do-gooderus does
not approve, or 11) not paying sufficient attention
to the Do-gooderus' opinions,
in which case a Presidential Order, er, Directive, er,
Edict, whatever they're calling them this week, is necessary
to MAKE THEM BEHAVE, DAMNIT!!!!!
Sometimes
these people are our VERY OWN ACTUAL NEIGHBORS, trying
to run our very own actual lives. They don't have the
power to, say, declare an entire state a Sacred National
Rattlesnake Reserve, but they are just as verminous in
their own way as those who do. I offer an example, in
the form of a letter forwarded by a correspondent, who
received this from the director of his homeowners association.
(The Egregious Capitalization is In The Original.):
"I
am writing today with great concern….It appears that you
may be using our recreational facilities without signing
in on the Attendance Sheets. It has been brought to our
attention that you have been seen recently at Social Center
East, appearing to sign in, although your actual signature
cannot be found on any of the Attendance Sheets. I am
aware that you feel you have been under suspicion by other
members…"
Upon
receiving this, I wrote to my correspondent by return
mail, urging him to escape from this suburban Gulag (complete
with snitches) -- immediately!
However,
no sooner was my letter in the mail when I realized –
WAIT! This isn't right! Whose country is it, anyway? Theirs
or ours? We have allowed them to make it theirs simply
by doing what is natural to our own species – MINDING
OUR OWN BUSINESS!
Here's
what happens. WE mind our business. THEY go to the city
council meetings, join the Improvement Groups, get elected
Second Left Poobah in Charge of Civic Flower Pot Management
– and suddenly show up on our doorsteps, infesting our
neighborhoods and MINDING OUR BUSINESS FOR US. They crowd
us out of our own natural environments, like puny Russian
olive trees driving magnificent, flourishing cottonwoods
from the streambanks.
Well,
clearly, something needs to be done. Clearly we can't
simply move and move and move and move as they destroy
each new habitat we seek. The spread of this rogue species
must stop!
But
how, how? We've let the problem go until they outnumber
us. What can we do to reduce their population and the
shocking damage they do to our habitat? Natural selection
doesn't seem to operate in our favor. With such an overpopulation,
they should be starving. Instead they keep feeding off
what we produce.
We
could, of course, keep their population down by hunting
them. Aggressive, year-round open seasons would help,
as my friend Charles Curley points out. Perhaps in areas
where they've become a particular nuisance, like state
and national capitals, dysfunctional families and the
aforementioned homeowners associations, we could even
offer bounties on their heads (or perhaps on just their
noses, since that part sticking into everything seems
to be the problem).
At
first, I thought there was a flaw in this scheme. After
all, their carcasses aren't worth anything. You can't
make jackets out of their skimpy hides. They're too stringy
to eat. They don't even have impressive racks of horns
to mount on your wall. I mean, what do you DO with them?
But
when I protested to Charles, "You can't just hunt them
down and leave them lying in the streets to molder!" he
countered, "Why not?" "Well, it's unsanitary!"
I objected.
"That
sounds suspiciously like a do-gooder attitude," he growled.
Of
course, he's correct. And the evidence that we need to
aggressively wipe out this nuisance species lies right
there in the fact that their aberrant behavior has even
influenced pure Minditsownbusinessuses like me.
My god, I'm starting to sound JUST LIKE THEM!
So
yes, let the dogs eat them! Let the perfume of their decay
improve the air of Washington, DC, Sacramento and Albany.
Let the kudzu vines use their intestines for fertilizer.
Let their brains, such as they are, ooze back into the
earth they're often so eager to be One With. When nature's
run its course, we can at least salvage their skulls for
pencil holders, or plug the orifices and toast each other
with Properly Organic drinking vessels – "Skoal!"
