Friends.

Yes, they all abandoned me.  The worst possible reality has settled in.  Living like this has caused me to lose most of my desire to fight because I have nothing to live for anyway.

I find a lot of things to be unfair.  My friends have ostracized my personal best friend just because she is my best friend, even though she had no clue what was going on until the police did the last raid.  However, they still hang out with my ex-boyfriend who knew since the beginning and also aided me in acquiring knowledge about my friends who dealt drugs.  Besides this, the ex cannot stand to see me because of personal relationship issues that we had, and this prevents others from talking to me because they choose his side because they are closer to him than to me. 

Of course, no one wants to talk to me because of what I did, or they are scared of me.  I'm bad at apologies when I feel victimized (this can be seen in all aspects of my life), but I am truly sorry for what happened.  It is a bad situation for all.  I just didn't think the people that I spent growing a relationship with for the past 4 years would suddenly leave me to rot.  I've been told that this at least showed me who my "real" friends are, but I cannot believe how few that I have.  Most of my friends are individualist and take their philosophy very seriously rather than their emotions -- this doesn't help me, of course.  

I am worried about a lot of things.  Worried about my own life, but also that of the people I care about.  My ex is drinking himself to death and no one seems to notice.  He could be doing this because of this situation or because of our relationship, but it doesn't matter.  No one is helping him and I can't reach him because "he wants to hurt me."  I still care about him, despite his anger towards me, but there is nothing that I can do to help him.

I feel weak to this abstract "drug war," something that has succeeded in breaking up my relationship to a community of like-minded people, friends, partners, etc.  I suppose they are all strong together without me, so I'm just one part of the equation that obviously didn't matter, but I could see how this might turn friend against friend on each other.  Promises of secrecy, aiding the informant, taking sides with victims, etc., it's all up to interpretation and personal philosophy and can create enemies.  I can only imagine in "worse off' communities the types of violence that this might create.

If I could say something to my friends, I would say I am sorry.  And that I wish we all didn't fall victim to this mess.  I want to say that I want them to care about me and help me -- I want to scream and shout that I am dying, my life is basically over, and I really could use some support -- but I am not sure if it will matter.  I will be alone.