So depressed.

Damn it.  On the outside, I wear many hats.  I have so much work, I'm graduating soon, I have to be happy, but solid and stern.  I'm totally destroyed.  I have nothing to look forward to.  I work my ass off with no guarantee of freedom.  I feel as if it is all a waste, but I keep doing it.  Life is pretty terrible at the moment.

Long story short, I lost all of my friends because the police pretty much put my confidential identity on a warrant.  You can imagine what went down after everyone found out.  I have been totally outcasted.  I was requested to "tell the story" once, but otherwise, nothing.  No support.  Do I deserve it?  I can't tell you that.  I did something terrible to my friends -- the pain I feel must be bared on my own, I guess.

I feel very alone and I really have no clue what is going on.  My bet is that the police know they totally goofed up and they are stalling.  My court date was moved yet again.  Still preliminary, good grief, it has been six months.  About 2 more until the date.

According to some mathematical equation that the police are using, I did not do enough for them yet for my crimes.  But I feel like they have messed up so much that they don't even know what is going on.  What is funny is that they told my lawyer that they think I am holding out on them.  Ha.  I don't know any big time drug dealers.  I only know people who get stuff on the internet or in small quantities.  And now that they made my identity known, I obviously have no one else that would trust me!  So, is it time to go hang out on drug corners and get shot?  I hope not.

This whole thing is ridiculous and I am starting to get really bummed as opposed to being just generally bummed all the time.  I want to devote time to making this public.  I wish that I had friends to help.  My ex-boyfriend, my original support, feels like I totally screwed him over by telling my friends that he knew all along and/or that I never told him that I would be targeting our friends, so he refuses to talk to me.  My current boyfriend is very supportive, but he needs to focus on his own life and school and I do not want to drag him down.  Once I graduate, I need to focus on writing and pushing this story on the media.

This.  Is.  The.  Truth.  Right here.  In your face.